I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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