Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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