I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
