the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
