Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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