the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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