smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
