textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
