Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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