They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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