Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
