If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
