I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
