Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
