You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
