my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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