just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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