Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She bit a glass in half.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
