This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize