if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
