Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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