A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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