I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
