And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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