Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize