I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
