Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
