I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
