Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
