she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Still dying that you shit outside
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
