Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize