You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
