a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
