i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm way too hungover for life right now
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
