I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We're too hungover to prance.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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