I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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