chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
