If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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