Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize