Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
