Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
