i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
