im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
"it" just moved
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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