ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
