It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
