the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
