FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
