LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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