Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
