I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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