I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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