I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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