hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
