Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
they need to just BURY HIM!
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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