If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
