I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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