I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
